Tuesday, 25 February 2014

Broken


"It's not a continuing pregnancy"

Those words just rang in my ears over and over.

"It's not a continuing pregnancy"

Is she really saying those words????

Yes the doctor was saying those dreaded words.

4:30pm Thursday 13th February 2014 - my life changed forever.

I was no longer 9.5 weeks pregnant - the baby was gone, it was over.

Right in that moment I felt my heart break and then the tears fell.

My baby was gone, it's not going to arrive on the 12th September 2014, it's never going to arrive.

Miscarriage is one of the toughest things in life. How do you cope? You don't, you just try to survive each day and grieve in your own way.

Yes we can try again in the future, but right now, this baby is important, this baby is our focus and we need to grieve and then down the track  focus on trying again.

It's been mental torture seeing blood for 2 weeks knowing that was your baby. Last Friday (21st Feb) I had what was left removed. I was relieved to have it all taken out but it also meant it was truly real and truly gone.

There was nothing I did wrong to cause the miscarriage, apparently the placenta didn't attach properly and there was haemorrhage underneath the placenta and it detached causing the baby to lose nutrients and die. It's common I've been told 1 in 4 women miscarry, but it doesn't make it any easier.

I'm lucky in a sense it wasn't later down the track and more developed but it still stings.

It's been a hard thing to process and wrap your head around. My depression and anxiety have been playing up a lot but I know with MJ's (my husband) and God's help I'll get there one day.

In the meantime I'll always hold a special place for Milhouse (our little nickname for the baby) in my heart, cause for 41 days it was a part of me.

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