Wednesday, 9 November 2016

Disconnected


Disconnect

It’s such a strange feeling, you are there but you are not really there either. You are completing the action but action is far away and not a part of you. It’s separate, spilt away, outside looking in. Filled with immense sadness and immense relief. Heavily weighting on your heart but knowing its part of the journey and part of growing and letting go.

My breastfeeding journey has been a painful one since the start. Overproducing, under-producing, mastitis, lumps, latching issues, hitting, biting, screaming, wrestling matches, the works – 6 months of feeding hell. Added with a month long battle of bottle refusal (as he needed to gain weight), every feed was ended in tears most days – mainly my tears (so much pain). Then a complete about-face and bang one day just takes the bottle and within a week no longer wants breastmilk.

The sudden stop was a shock to the system – mine not his, he hasn’t looked back – engorgement, lumps, concrete sitting on my chest but that’s not what has hurt the most. The emotions that have surfaced are crazy. Yes I’m relieved as the pain and fighting are over but the sadness and disconnection have been almost too much to bear. There are many positives to this now, I can wear more of my wardrobe, my husband can help out with feeding time, going out it easier (no more feeding tops) and of course no more wrestling but it’s as if a piece of my heart has been pulled out and the stitches aren’t keeping it together.

Feeding now feels so foreign and separate. This too shall pass I know, I’m not pushing the feeling away but allowing space and presence for it to just sit there and be (a big change to my old ways). A taste of what is to come with being a mother how to let go and mourn the losses but to move forward and embrace the next stages.

A week later Star Boy was ready to move into his cot in his own room, no longer sleeping in the bassinet at the foot of our bed. It’s almost felt too much too soon another “bang here we go next phase please”. Motherhood is a delicate balance of knowing when to hold and when to step back something I’ve been learning this month and yes I know he’s only 6.5 months old and still needs me a great deal but it’s only going to get bigger from here on out. As he ages he’ll become more and more independent of me but my arms will always be out stretched so he can run back into them at any moment.

How do you cope with your child’s changes?

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2 comments:

  1. I wrote a comment and it vanished. I have cried so much is recognising my own struggle that continues with the difficulties I have with the ever changes role of motherhood which you have so beautiful captured and observed in such a short time. My children are 13 and almost 10 and I still view each development as a failure on my part instead of a natural progression. I'm trying to just let them be and he in that space with them without judgement but why is that so hard?

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    1. You are a wonderful mother who loves her children so much, you haven't failed at anything it's like you said a natural progression of life each stage. It's hard as we love them so much and they are a part of us that we cannot control and only want whats best. You're doing an amazing job.

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