Tuesday, 25 July 2017

Unknown Grief

A few weeks back over one weekend I become so overwhelmed with sadness, it had been a hard day and I was trying to relax by doing so relaxation yoga before bed. I was fighting back tears, my whole body felt tired and heavy with grief like I was mourning a loss. But what was I grieving? What was causing my bones to ache in despair?

Since becoming a mum a lot of childhood memories having been coming up and reliving themselves in my brain, memories I had long forgotten, memories full of pain and hurt. The grief has been a feeling of a lost childhood, something I’ll never get back. Reliving the pain and hurt of things and situations I had not control or say over whatsoever and realising how much I missed out on growing up. So much stress, pressure and unrealistic expectations that were put onto me and sadly continue to be now at age 32. I do not pity myself but I feel a deep sadness at having missed out on a relaxed and carefree childhood.

I know I cannot change the past but I can change the future by learning from the past and making things better for the next generation. I can provide chances and opportunities for Star Boy to have a happier life and less mental beat-up than what I went through. I can do my best to give him that relaxed/carefree childhood he deserves.

I never realised how much motherhood can affect a person and the emotions that it can evoke. I will continue sit with my emotions at this time and learn what needs to be learnt and hopefully one day be able to heal from this and transform into something new. 

Tuesday, 11 July 2017

What do I really want?

What do I really want? 

- I want to feel content in myself
- I want to enjoy myself without the constant mind chatter
- I want to believe in myself more
- I want to stop being so darn hard on myself
- I want to know that I am a good mother/wife and actually believe it
- I want to stop doubting and second guessing myself
- I want to speak my truth
- I want to be able to stand up to my parents
- I want to sleep through the night without nightmares
- I want to enjoy sex more
- I want to help others feel good about themselves
- I want to feel good about myself
- I want to publish a book
- I want to make money from writing
- I want to be proud of myself
- I want to accept myself for who I am
- I want to be LOVE!

What do you really really want?

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